Exhilarated and Terrified

This morning I was touched.  I was touched in a way I felt utterly exposed.

I’m dating again or more specifically, open to dating again (which means someone has to ask me out first). And when I talk to people, really talk about life instead of the weather, my profession, my likes and dislikes, my feeble attempts at describing where I’m at mentally and emotionally, I fall short of my true sentiments.

How do I give these fathomable feelings of my heart and glimpses into my soul, words or descriptions to make them more tangible?  I’m at the point in my life, that I need more substance in my relationships (whether it be friendship, family or romantically).  I need to be fulfilled and I offer enrichment in return.

There are those who get it and we invest in each other.  There are those who don’t and I gracefully bow out for someone who will meet their needs for the moment.  But today as I read this quote from one of my favorite bloggers, I stopped dead in my tracks.  I looked over my computer monitor to see if anyone noticed me.  To acknowledge this excerpt as MY truth, I instantly became aware of my surroundings; terrified that someone might not like what they see and exhilarated that I’ve found my essence.  It touched the core of my existence.

I was exposed.  Can you see me?  Here I am:

“I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know – unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love. For wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves.”

-James Kavanaugh, There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves

Now, let’s see who will not impede my wandering, prevent my search, lock me in prison walls and will take me for what I have to give; including my love of the world, my desires to live beautifully not superficially, as I share my sadness, laughter and my simple life.

Dating will be interesting.

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