so i was doing so much better this week. i thought the pain of ending a four year relationship last june/july was finally subsiding. i mean, i tell myself “get over it already”, but alas, the pain is etched into my heart like a branding insignia burned into flesh. the pain will eventually heal, but not before it leaves a scar.
what am i thinking and what i’m feeling are two completely different things. i can’t remember the last time i’ve felt so disconnected from myself–as though I’m two different people: one the logical rational career-driven confident woman who says, “he didn’t deserve you and you tried your best to compromise and you need better” and the other who says, “but you should have never given up; you CHOSE him to be the father of your child; you CHOSE him to your family for life”. damn. what am i to do?
he has moved on and is currently in a new relationship. he says he loves her. he says she was meant for him. he says she’s beautiful with two kids, nearly the same age as my son, from two different fathers. he says she loves all of him for who he is which includes all his weed-smoking, beligerant messiness, inability to keep a job or lack of drive and pride to want to improve himself emotionally, financially, etc…. she says she accepts him as he is. and he says he’s a born-again christian, but he’s so filled with hate and anger and malicious intent that, although i want more than anything to believe him, i think he’s a fake.
has he told her everything he’s done to me–the emotional and verbal abuse, the stealing of money from my accounts, the pawning of my precious possesions, the infidelity, the pushing, shoving, denying that our son was his, and last but not least, the life-threatening attempt to assault me with a butcher knife? he’s probably told her part of the story that excuses him for any responsibility for his actions, including not financially helping me with our son.
i don’t get it. i still don’t understand why i want him, why i desire the least bit of affection or attention from this man who clearly doesn’t deserve it.
maybe finally, i understand why abused women stay with the abuser?–because we somehow think its our fault. but i know i gave it more than i ever thought I could possible to make it work. i gave everything i had, as a woman, as a human being, as a fighter and it still wasn’t enough. i sacraficed EVERYTHING, EVERYONE, and myself in the process.
now as i attempt to reclaim the sunshine in my cloudy dismal life, i pray Papa will send me someone amazing. i pray He’ll heal my heart, mind and soul for the man who will make me laugh again. i pray He’ll help me stoping wanting this man, who was once good, now turned evil. i guess listening to “Almost Lover” doesn’t help. haha. Note to self: remove it from your itunes playlist…